forgiveness from my 3 year old.

Tonight was one of those nights that I wish I redo. I've been working hard on being joyful, with my husband, with my kids, at home, and in my heart. No more comments under my breathe, complaining about everything and no more angry mama. 

Bedtimes for Austin and Allyson were rough tonight. I put Allyson down first. Last night was a long time getting her to go down because of a new fear of monsters. So I planned to spend a bit longer in there tonight to help her get comfy and feel safe. We said our good nights and I left to put Austin to sleep. 

Austin had an early wake up and no nap today so he fought sleep tonight, hard. I was rocking him and he was just screaming, kicking and pushing. As I was rocking I was just trying to remind myself to just stick it out, he's tired, he'll stop soon, just like every other night. Not tonight. Finally after a slight breakdown and many times declining his help, I handed him a tired, screaming baby. I felt so defeated. I couldn't comfort him enough to sleep. 

Aubrey comes in and let's me know that Allyson's screaming. Lovely. 

I take a deep breath and head down the hall. I get her settled and head out. A couple minutes later she's crying. I head into her room. Hug her. Talk with her. Tuck her in again and head out. 

Austin already fell asleep and was in bed. I was in the chair and breathing a sigh of relief. Still feeling guilty for losing it with Austin. For failing him as a mom. Failing Conrad. 

Aubrey comes again, she thinks she hears Allyson calling for me. 

I head down the hall and I'm pissed off. What in the world could she need?? We sang songs. Rocked her. Checked for monsters and talked about how Daddy eats them. Took drinks of water. Hugs and kisses?? I throw open the door. Her little voice says that she needs me. This precious little one just needed her mama. I was still so mad. I pick her up and sat in her rocker and it hit me, I began to just sob. I hugged her so tight. 

How was I mad at her? Why was I mad? She needed me. Me. It's my job as her momma to make her feel safe. Isnt' that what I wanted? I want to be there to comfort my kids. 

She has the sweetest little heart. She looked up at me and asked if she could sing me Pete's Party. Of course, she could. She sang and then asked if I was happy now. Of course. I quickly apologized and asked for her forgiveness. 

"I forgive you Mommy", oh I hugged her tighter. We rocked for a bit and I tucked her back into and said our goodnights and i love yous again, and I haven't heard a peep from her. 

I've been kicking myself in the butt all night for the way I acted. I was frustrated with Austin, Conrad and Allyson tonight. I was unkind. I wasn't thinking of them and their feelings, I was just being selfish. I just wanted to sit down and do what Heidi wanted to do. I acted in the exact ways that I tell my kids not to behave. 

I am thankful that I was able ask Allyson and Conrad for forgiveness. I can move on from tonight and learn from this. I'm forgiven. 

This picture is from earlier in the week. I sat at the table while she finished up her breakfast. We had such a blast together. She was being so funny and goofy. She's my littlest best friend. I love being around her. I want our relationship to continue to grow. I want to be the one that she can come to when she needs something. I want her to feel safe and comfortable in my arms. 

I'm ready for a fresh start tomorrow. I'm ready to choose joy tomorrow. have a joyful heart in whatever comes my way.