Wednesday, January 30, 2013

24/30 {family dynamics}

Remember when I started this way back when. lol. I'm determined to finish it! 

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

I know I stopped at this one because I really wasn't sure what I should answer or how ... so I'm just going to type and whatever comes out, comes out. 

When I was a child it was me, my little brother, Mom and Dad. We lived in my Grandpa's house with him. There was a lot of yelling between my Dad and Grandpa. Both were alcoholics. Growing up I just thought that's how things were. You yelled, name called and slammed doors when you were mad. {that makes for some real "fun" when you are married and realized that's not how it should be} So life was pretty good though. So I thought. 

I was in 5th grade when my Mom left my dad. I remember that night. Mom was getting everything ready to leave while my dad was gone. My brother and I stood there clueless but had no choice. Then my Dad came home. He wasn't supposed to be yet. There was yelling and my mom left us because my Dad wouldn't let her take us. He said he could take one of us but not the other. My mom couldn't split us apart at a time like this so she just left. Oh boy, did that hurt. Here's where a lot of my issues with my dad come up. First, who would split up kids? I could never tell Conrad "You get Allyson but I get the other two!" I just can't wrap my head around his thinking. My mom didn't see us for some amount of time. In that time my dad would tell us things like "Your mom doesn't love you or else she would have came back for you guys." Who in the world tells this to a 5th and 2nd grader??? He was our Dad and at the time I didn't think that my own Dad could lie to me like that. 

One day while at school we got called up to the office. There was Mom coming to take us to her new place. I remember not waiting to go with her because I was so afraid that my Dad would get mad at me. I told her I couldn't go with her because I wasn't allowed to. She said "Heidi, I'm your mother still. You are coming with me!" 

Ok enough of that.

It got worked out. Went back and forth as we pleased from Mom and Dad's house. 
When I was in 7th grade my mom decided to move up to Modesto. {Really Mom? Modesto?} I stayed with my dad, even though I really didn't want to but I did NOT want to start in a new school. No friends. No thanks Mom! Half way through 7th grade, during Winter break came up to visit and didn't want to go back to my Dad's. So that's how I moved up here. 

My mom was pregnant with my sissy, Tess. My mom had been with my step-dad Tony for sometime.  She was still legally married to my dad. Step-dad was in prison. Lovely huh? Mom ended up having my sister Tess and another little girl Miss Kaylee. I struggled with my real Dad not talking to me. Nothing. It's like he wrote me off. My step dad in prison, then coming home and trying to be a father figure and I was a teenager and just wasn't having it. Years later SD and I got along. My brother had moved up here and magically my Dad would write him and call him. All the things I had longed for. My step dad did this and I could have cared less. My SD showed me unconditional love and I am forever grateful for that. It's one of the reasons I don't talk to my real dad because he was my real dad and didn't do those things. Now as a parent, I would want to do everything I could to talk to my kids. 

So now I have a SD that was in and out of prison. Half sisters who I never have considered "half" {ok maybe a few times. but hey that's just a sibling thing, right?} and my brother. 

Since being married my step-dad has passed away. My brother and I no longer talk. I still do not have a relationship with my dad. 

I have a relationship with Jesus and my oh my what a difference He has made in my life! 

I have one amazing husband who has helped shape me into the woman, wife and Mommy that I am today. I'm a Mommy to three gorgeous kids. I have ups and downs but I have Conrad right beside me. He supports and encourages me in so many ways. He has shown me what a marriage is suppose to look like. That's something that I really hope to show my kids. I want Aubrey and Allyson to know what a father's love feels like. That unconditional love. I want Conrad to show Austin how a husband treats his wife. {looking back I see the way my dad treated my mom. I don't blame her at all for leaving. I did back then} I want my children to see what a loving home and relationships look like. Life isn't perfect. I'm not claiming that it is because that's far from true. 

I know that this is a bunch of "stuff" thrown together. My childhood was rough but it's made me who I am today.