Monday, December 17, 2012

My struggle

I don't even know where to begin.

My heart is breaking for the families in CT. I seriously don't have the words to describe how I'm feeling. Just so saddened by it. Those parents waiting to hear if their child is safe. The things those students saw and heard. The brave things teachers did to save their students. The emergency crews that were there on the scene investigating. Seeing our President on TV like this. I just don't even know.

Aubrey was at school when I found out about it. It was so hard to hear that 27 were dead and 18 were children. Children just like my Aubrey. I wanted to run down to the school and scoop her out of her class just to hug her! I then had such guilt come over me. All of the times that I took her smile for granted. That I was upset with her for not doing some quick enough. I'm sure those parents would give anything to have that again. At noon I picked up Aubrey and hugged her so tight. When came home and I saw the Christmas tree and just lost it again. I, like most people, am looking forward to Christmas. Seeing Aubrey's face light up when she looks to see what Santa brought. Then Allyson came running in to see Aubrey and my heart broke again. What do you tell the brothers and sisters of those little kids? I can't even imagine...

Picking up Aubrey from kinder. 
She was just putting her seat belt on don't worry :) 

Aubrey asked if they could eat lunch in the playroom picnic style. I agreed. 

Hugging my little guy extra tight Friday afternoon

Being on Facebook this weekend has been extra hard. Every other post is about what happen. A picture of a teacher. Children's names along with their sweet faces. Anger about guns or mental health. Just so emotional for me. 

Just last month I was taking a break from FB because it was depressing me. I'm battling Postpartum Depression and PTSD from Austin's crazy birth. My journey through it hasn't been easy. In fact it's taken me months to admit to myself that something was even wrong. I felt like a bad mom for feeling the way I do/did. I had a great friend say something to me and she's been there for me. I've gotten help and it's still a daily struggle but I know I have the support of my husband and friends. 

I know a lot of this is just rambling but I needed to get a lot of it out. I've wanted to blog about my PPD but why? I don't know. Whatever. Maybe it will comfort someone else knowing they aren't alone in their struggles. Maybe it's just for me. Either way thanks for reading. 

I'm going to show my children more love and patience. I'm going to hug them just a few seconds longer and a little bit tighter. 

I know I'm not going to forget about what has happened at Sandy Hook last Friday. 
I pray that you treasure your family and friends a little bit more today. I know that I do. 

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. Thank you for your honesty Heidi. If you need anything, I am here, even just to listen. And after staring at the tv on friday at my parents house, it made me glad we don't have tv as I am pretty sure I would have been in a deep hole before friday was even over due to the news coverage. Its just extra hard to stomach as a parent.

    And on another note, is Aubrey wearing a school shirt?! There is something about little kids in school shirts that just melts my heart. So cute!

  2. Yes she is!! I love it too. We have 3 school shirts lol. She wears them every Friday for spirit day. Oh and she has a matching headband :)


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