I was thinking the other day that I didn't finish writing out what happen at the hospital after my little man was born. I also realized I had never posted any pictures from my hospital stay with Austin. I have so many emotions from Austin's birth. A big part of me is angry. Ok that's a lie most of me is really angry about it. Angry things didn't go as "planned". Angry that I didn't get to savor the moment where the doctor said it's a boy and watching Conrad cut the umbilical cord. Instead I remember the doctor freaking out because the cord was wrapped around his neck and head, really tight. He freakin came out blue and not breathing. I don't remember hearing him cry at all... because he wasn't. Angry I don't have a picture of my big guy and I cuddling after birth. Or doing skin to skin after he was born. A picture of him on the scale. Heck I don't even have a memory of that! I didn't see him get his first bath. I'm angry that I didn't get to hold him until later that night. Mad that I have such a horrible memory of his birth. 3 months later, I'm still angry about it. I have anxiety when I drive past the hospital, get a headache for too long or when I have to go to the doctor. I'm still upset about the whole ordeal. I spent 5 days in the stinkin' hospital.
So back to my hospital stay. Things are already starting to get blurry but then there are somethings that just stands out so clear as day.
I woke up Saturday with a headache. It's wasn't too bad but it was in a weird spot on my head. I don't think my head has ever hurt there. I had to tell the nurse and of course it worried the doctor. So I tried to get rid of it with Tylenol. 4 hours later and it wasn't any better. I won a trip to have an MRI done. Within a few minutes a transporter person came with a wheel chair to take me to have my MRI done. So we got to this building outside the hospital and the tech is asking me a bunch of questions. The last one he asks is if I'm claustrophobic. Umm kinda. He said if I survived the CT scans I should be ok with the MRI. During the CTs I had my eyes closed and I had 500 million things going through my head. This time my mind was more clear. So I was crazy nervous. I got strapped in and the tech give me ear plugs and he says that it's going to be crazy loud and just to let him know if it's too much. The machine sucked me and the loud noises begin. Holy smokes the noises were loud, did I mention I had a headache? There were a sequences of tests that they did some were like a minute long and the longest was five minutes .. FIVE minutes of the weirdest noises while I'm stuck in this tiny tube. I was going crazy. I finally finished and was wheeled back to my room to wait for the results. I didn't hear anything right away which we were assuming that no news is good news. Hours passed and we didn't hear anything. The nurse was constantly checking the computer each time she came into my room. We finally heard that it came back clear. Yay! Such a relief. The headache finally went away. That day was just spent holding and cuddling with Austin trying to make up for Thursday and Friday. I think I held him all day. I only put him down to eat and use the bathroom.
Saturday was the day that I got to take a real shower too. I had an IV in each hand. One was hooked up and giving me fluids and the other just had a port in it. My nurse was super awesome and unhooked me from the fluids and helped wrap my hands so I could a shower. It was freakin amazing not to drag that stupid thing around. I took a shower and felt like a new woman. I got out of the hospital gown and put actual clothes and makeup on. Man oh man did I feel like a million bucks.
The girls had came to come visit us Saturday too. I did not have the energy I needed to deal with them, oh my goodness!! Aubrey was going a million miles an hour. Talking, taking pictures, talking to Austin in a high pitch voice and getting on and off the bed. She was little fireball of energy. Allyson wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing. Which was really weird for her. Usually she was attached to me. It really sadden me. I think she felt like she was being replaced. She isn't of course! She is still my little baby!! They weren't there that long and I feel like I needed a nap to recover from their visit.
We talked with my doctor and we all felt like it was going to be best to stay in the hospital until Monday. That way my vitals and everything was still being monitored since the offices aren't open over the weekend. As much as I didn't want to be there until Monday, I knew it was for the best.
Sunday I think Conrad and I just hung out with our little guy. A few family members came to see the big guy and check in on me. We had lots of cuddles. We were released on Monday a little bit after noon.
I guess I gave people quite the scare that night. It was such a crazy experience. The doctors never really said WHAT happen or caused it. Just a bunch of maybes. They said something about an amniotic embolism. Someone mentioned something about my epidural. I was sent home with papers for pulmonary hypertension. My potassium was low and it wasn't like crazy out of the ordinary low. It was just low. Other than that all the tests and everything came back normal. After all of it was over Conrad said he'd never been so afraid to lose me. He thought that I was seriously going to die. I felt like I was dying when it was all going down. I feel so torn because I had an awful time after delivery but I'm still here and able to take care of my kids. I'm perfectly fine. I am lucky. I know God was watching over me and that's why I have trouble being angry sometimes. I'm lucky and I'm angry. I know things could have been a lot worse. Why am I still feeling so bitter about it all? Because this isn't what people dream of when you think about the birth of your child.
Another thing that I'm struggling with it more children. No one said to me that I probably shouldn't have more kids. None of the doctors or nurses. Conrad did though. So did my Mom and Kathy. They don't want to go through that again and I don't blame them at all. The part that I'm struggling with that we planned on having 4 or 5 kids, so this wasn't going to be my last pregnancy. I didn't enjoy every kick, roll and hiccup. I didn't embrace my gigantic baby bump. So I'm in the place where I'm just sad. Sad that it was probably my last and I didn't know it. I won't feel those flutters and wonder if that was a baby or gas. The kicks and punches. The leg pushing into my rib. *sigh*
I am thankful that Austin and I are both here today and are healthy. I know I'll be able to move past these feelings but it's just crummy being in it now.
Here I am with Austin in the ICU.
It was seriously the best moment ever. Holding my sweet Austin James. It was the hardest thing ever to give him to the nurse and not know when I was going to see him again. Ugh and now I'm crying ... ugh... time for me to stop typing and go clean my house while the little ones are sleeping.
